D1113 T0014 Y2008Wheelman Profiling

In a previous report submitted by the Tied the Leader Institute for Combat Excellence, a full intelligence brief was delivered on the range of deadliness for Tail-Gunners. Based on countless hours of service in the field of the UNSC, the personalities and fighting styles of the rear-shooter was rendered into profiles.

Resounding feedback to this analysis revealed an enthusiastic demand for the same treatment to be given to the drivers that complete the Warthog Team. Thus, the following addendum has been compiled through a joint task force with the Halo 3 Wheelmen Department of Tactical Steerage. The contents of this report follow immediately:

THE COWBOY

This pilot is a crazy-brave daredevil – countermeasures be damned! A Cowboy drives straight into the mouth of hell, with guns blazing and a rebel yell. These pilots are without fear or restraint. Their lifespans are short, but they tend to make the big plays when they are needed most. They rush the SPARTAN Laser on Valhalla. They ride out to support and insure Banshee acquisition on Sandtrap. Know your Cowboys by their extended stretches of time spent guarding the motorpool, awaiting the delivery of their next Warthog.

THE ACE

Behold the stone cold killer. For any Tail-Gunner with an appetite for a Perfection Medal, the Ace Pilot is their most reliable sponsor. They are the Slayer Elite, wielding the Warthog like the weapon it was designed to be. An Ace can smell the Brute Chopper around any corner. They have an almost psychic link with their shooter. A dangerous asset to be sure; the Ace can prove to be a troublesome distraction when the combat objective is more complicated than straight up killing.

THE KAMIKAZE

Pilots like these are the Suicide Kings of any fleet. Not the finest team player, a Kamikaze Pilot strives for the Splatter in any engagement. Personal glory will always outweigh collective achievement in their mind. The only attack vector they know is directly at their opponent. Highly susceptible to Road Rage, these maniacs take their Tail-Gunner right out of the equation, closing to an ineffective range on the would-be target every time. Kamikaze Pilots never learn. They are drawn to a Bubble Shield like moths to a flame.

THE QUARTERBACK

Every squad needs a solid leader. The Quarterback commands a strike team from the driver’s seat of their vessel. They understand that the Warthog is the backbone of any coordinated blitz. Their eyes behold the battlefield as a maze of potential objective routes. Know this Wheelman by their fully-staffed craft, flanked by as many support vehicles as possible. This Pilot lives a thankless existence. Their finest glory is shepherding a Flag-Carrier safely home. A Quarterback dominates the team chat airwaves, calling the play and executing the mission.

THE LONE RANGER

Many combat authorities have expressed outright scorn for the selfish soul that leaves the base in a Warthog without a Tail-Gunner on board. The Lone Ranger is as far from genius as they are from their namesake. They regard the LAAV as their own personal shuttle, or shopping cart. This most crucial of all combat assets is wasted on delivering them unto their weapon of choice – most usually a Sniper Rifle. These Pilots are frequently brought up on charges of treason at the conclusion of a fight.

THE IMPOSTER

In what is perhaps the grossest betrayal of trust on the battlefield, the Imposter offers an empty promise to anyone will listen that they can drive. Once behind the wheel, their ineptitude for the Wheelman’s craft becomes tragically apparent to all who were foolish enough to climb aboard. Know these so-called pilots by their freelance status, as they almost exclusively join the battle as last-minute conscripts. Such is their only recourse, as anyone acquainted with them would betray them instantly before they could reach the motorpool.

THE DANGERPHOBE

A foil character to the Cowboy [see above], the Dangerphobe is the most conservative Pilot in the squadron. This Wheelman is best-served staying on Defense, since it is beyond their nature to put their Warthog in harms way. They are not unlike the collector who refuses to take the Ferrari out of the garage, for fear that an errant pebble from the roof of a truck will knick their “Precious”. In an amusing side-note, Dangerphobes are easily pranked. Playing a recording of the Missile Pod Lock Indicator in their presence will result in an involuntary loss of bladder control every time. Always gets a laugh in the mess-hall.

THE TRAILBLAZER

More artisans than warriors, the Trailblazer takes the Warthog where it was never designed to travel. They defy the laws of science and the rules of engagement in combat. Their chief weapon is surprise, as they exploit a flank once thought safe under traditional combat conditions. A Pilot from this stock is as unpredictable as they are cunning. While their peers may grow impatient with the low survival-rate of the Trailblazers tactics, the psychological dividends that are paid out in the event of success are considerable, as opponents adopt a crippling sense of paranoia that no corner of the warzone is safe.

THE RODEO CLOWN

While a sure-fire boost to troop morale, the Rodeo Clown is hardly a tactical asset. They live for the prosecution of Operation Sweet Jumps. Pilots that fit this profile think that the Warthog was manufactured to enable their own personal joyride. In any combat scenario, they will be unable to resist the temptation to catch air, take a roll, or execute a “sick wheely”. Their head is rarely in the fight. Know a Rodeo Clown by their fondness for extreme sports when watching the civilian network in the barracks.

It should be duly noted that profiling a Wheelman is a more daunting task than that of cataloging the various behaviors of a Tail-Gunner. While a Wheelman must select attack vectors based on ever-shifting battle climates, the only thing a Tail-Gunner needs to decide is in which direction they might shoot. Ergo, a Wheelman may find themselves adhering to several of the following archetypes throughout their illustrious career at the controls of the divinest machine of war.

Posted by XerxdeeJ

Comment 32

  1. #LINK D1118 T0933
    AddiCt3d 2CHa0s wrote...

    Niiiice! Hey don’t forget us “Newbs in Training” who do our best but still have a tendency for Grenade/Rocket Magnetism and Rocky Rollin’. Hey – I’m learning!

  2. #LINK D1118 T1051
    L0coM0tive wrote...

    Haha Good work Deej/Wheelmen! Although I think you forgot ‘The Conductor,’ the driver who stays on the same loop at the same speed regardless of battle conditions…

  3. #LINK D1118 T1202
    zZ RabiD Zz wrote...

    i was a “rodeo clown” yesterday on standoff but it was fun.lol

  4. #LINK D1118 T1226
    ConsumedFever wrote...

    Very nice work

  5. #LINK D1118 T1229
    LouieBlack wrote...

    EPIC, as expected Xerx. Thank you ever so much!

  6. #LINK D1118 T1235
    Spartan P47R1CK wrote...

    Funny, yet so true.

  7. #LINK D1118 T1242
    D1118 T1341 wrote...

    Hahah, so funny!

  8. #LINK D1118 T1243
    Microwave Babys wrote...

    Don’t forget me, “The Skydiver”. I will never pass up an opportunity to get two passengers to pile in and drive them straight over the nearest cliff!

  9. #LINK D1118 T1243
    Legendark wrote...

    Hey, that’s pretty cool!

    I’m an imposter ;)

  10. #LINK D1118 T1244
    gunking99 wrote...

    i am so many, im an ace, a cowboy and sometimes a kamakaze. mix that together and you have 1 sweet driver that sometimes gets pissed off and charges people

  11. #LINK D1118 T1349
    stickyricecake wrote...

    haha. This is hilarious. Extra points for the trailblazer and rodeo clown. so true, so true

  12. #LINK D1118 T1356
    Johnny be Good wrote...

    I’m definitely a Cowboy. If their flag is being shielded by their entire team I’ll charge in there guns a blazin’.

  13. #LINK D1118 T1436
    Magoober wrote...

    Quarterback with a dash of tasty Cowboy. Usually stay very tactical, but if we’re crushing I like to get crazy and charge the team with a nice shotty/sniper combo.

  14. #LINK D1118 T1440
    Alekat wrote...

    I am definitely a Trailblazer/Rodeo Clown. Oorah!

  15. #LINK D1118 T1501
    X tremePh3rz wrote...

    I’m always the quarter back for my time when we play squad battle. The orders are simple… get in and we will dominate though I can be trailblazer when im alone in my Hog. If you’d like to pair up send me a PM over XBL.

    GT X tremePh33rz (this is the correct way to spell my GT) but i cant play till my xbox gets fixed none of my disc’s will play and their in geat candition I can still go to the dashboard though
  16. #LINK D1118 T1503
    Pennywise wrote...

    Awesome man, spot on.

  17. #LINK D1118 T1538
    Wakka wrote...

    As of late I’ve become a bit of a dangerphobe. Eh, whatever… I’m still H3WM’s driver of the month! :P

  18. #LINK D1118 T1615
    Insanewiggle wrote...

    Well there are those stationary drivers that drive you near the enemy and then just strafe back and forth to make gunning easier.

  19. #LINK D1118 T1750
    Hoovaloov wrote...

    Great write-up, Deej! Very entertaining, and so true!

  20. #LINK D1118 T2036
    Shadows Walking wrote...

    Rofl, I’m Trailblazer/Cowboy/Kamakazi
    My only problem are those darn rockets…
    I saw that picture you have for Trailblazer, Yeah that’s me :D

  21. #LINK D1118 T2103
    a 1 kman wrote...

    Just a suggestion as a new category:
    Part Ace, Cowboy, Trailblazer, and Rodeo Clown

    A driver who drives both into death with enough luck to pull out some ‘tage worthy material, whether it be defending their own flag with a splatter; to surviving a laser, chopper, wraith, scorpion, banshee,just to be shot down with an AR

    Mr. Luck
    The “Rabbit Foot”

  22. #LINK D1118 T2229
    Snap Snap wrote...

    haha, dont forget the crazy guys who are always in the passenger’s seat. I know a guy who never fails to stick people from that awkward place X).

    PS: are there any tricks or tips for those of us who are still in the stage of dying waaay too much with the warthog while waiting for the objective?

  23. #LINK D1118 T2335
    Maccian wrote...

    Cool, i like these profilings, keep going on them, im a Trailblazing Cowboy. WOOHOO!!!

  24. #LINK D1119 T0119
    Chris wrote...

    Is it possible to profile soldiers who ride shotgun? What about other vehicles?

  25. #LINK D1119 T0821
    TTL zeuz patter wrote...

    Such an educational view. But the most truth is at the end, when we all get to be allof tem at one point. Roadkill at the end is versatile! Love your wheelman it pays off!

  26. #LINK D1119 T2039
    Shourisha1 wrote...

    Ace. Although I haven’t perfected it yet, I’m definitely closer to an Ace. A little bit cautious when I need to be, but I know where to be, and when to be there, for my Gunner.

  27. #LINK D1120 T0853
    ueg rock3t wrote...

    nice… i am the driver who will take on up to three enemy vehicles if i have a good gunner, and i have pulled it off. the key is to have your gunner take out the other gunners and weaken the hogs then slam into them SPLATTER baby

  28. #LINK D1121 T2047
    Jorby Wheatkins wrote...

    I love driving the hog. Sometimes I get splatter sprees and sometimes I end up getting only 1 kill a round but 20 wheelmans.

  29. #LINK D1124 T1152
    UnevenElefant5 wrote...

    ya im probably a kamikaze/cowboy i charge straight in no matter what stands in front of me although it often leads to my (and my gunners) death :P

  30. #LINK D1201 T0350
    JadedTarget wrote...

    I’m so glad you started off with the Cowboy. I typically don’t use vehicles, preferring to support as infantry. But there are a few things that I have noticed. Rodeo Clown and Damagephobe are probably my main traits. I prefer not to get slaughtered and let the gunner handle the enemy but it usually works well enough. Only once have we ever really used the Quarterback style and that worked only because the enemy gave themselves a shafted Bubble Shield in front of my Ghost. But, despite being a lame ride, I usually do somewhat better than our designated driver, Cowboy Trailblazer that he is…

  31. #LINK D1202 T0127
    shlugendah wrote...

    Yahoo! Thanks for the write up, dude! So many hats, such little time. Go Drivers!

  32. #LINK D1216 T1519
    Anndras wrote...

    Awesome. :)

    I’m kind of a mix between a quarterback, an ace, and a trail blazer.

    There are a few problems involved however:
    -When I try to give orders, nobody listens to me and our attack fails, and it becomes obvious my plan would have worked.
    -I drive around maps alone in my spare time, learn as many relatively safe jumps and shortcuts and such with vehicles, then practice them. This is where the Trailblazer and Ace come in. I guess you could argue at somepoints, that the Rodeo Clown comes in as well, but I only try what I know is (relatively) safe, or, failing that, what my gut tells me is the best thing to do…..
    The problem with that part is that for some reason, the aforementioned paths and jumps always go haywire on the battlefield…

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