The worst thing a gamer can do is make a wager that they can’t win. By that same token, the worst thing a business can do is make a promise to their clients that they can’t keep.
A few weeks ago, I was sharing a Party Lobby in Halo 3 via Xbox Live with a Praetorian by the “name” of Eisen Feuer. He mentioned a financial analysis that we conducted at Tied the Leader some time ago. Remember the one where we explored the value that gamers derive from their pastime, taking into account the time played and money spent?
He put the question to me “I would be curious to know how much steak you guys having coming to you…”
This gamerblogger loves a literary dare as much as other gamers love a good bet. Since then, the question has been tickling my matchmaking-addled brain. Games add up, after all. Time adds up. Medals add up. Steak [it has come to our attention] adds up.
The origins of the Steaktacular Medal are shrouded in shame and satire. Yet, a promise is a promise – especially when it comes to Gunslingers who are serious about their beef. In order to fully understand the debt that has been incurred by Bungie Studios, LLC to Tied the Leader, LLC, we had to go to the drawing boards.
A wise man once said “You can’t manage what you can’t measure.” If my boss were to stumble across this blog, it should be said that this same man is also handsome and noble. Moving along…
In order to create a unit of measurement upon which this great counting will be based, we must first assign a value to Steak Dinner. To do this, we will access the Internet’s foremost authority on steak. According to Omaha Steaks, one Filet Mignon averages 7 ounces in weight. If we wanted to take advantage of the situation, we could all order Porterhouses, averaging 24 ounces. We won’t. In recognition of Bungie’s accomplishments in keeping us happily entertained, we will effect a conservative spit of the difference. Thus, our theoretical value for Steak Dinner is to be 12 ounces.
Now, we can move on to exactly how many Steak Dinners have been won by the TTL Gunslingers. Ironically enough, this debt was calculated on the website of the very people from whom it is owed. According to our profiles on Bungie.net, a sample audience of 61 Gunslingers reported that they had won a total of 11,278 Steaktacular Medals – that’s 3,275 ranked and 8,003 social, if you must know. That is everyone from the MLG guy who goes nuts in a game of Team Slayer, to the COD guy who obviously needs to play more Halo.
The average number of Medals won by those Gunslingers is 191. When you multiply that figure by the total number of Gunslingers on our active roster, we arrive at an estimated grand total of 21,983 Steak Dinners. At the risk of seeming shady in calculating an estimated total using a sample audit, we will round our estimate down to the nearest thousand. Thus, Bungie Studios owes Tied the Leader a revised total 21,000 Steak Dinners.
Of course, we can’t put this all on Luke. If Mr. Smith were to attempt personal repayment of this debt, he could expect to spend every night of his life for the next 9 years at a steak house with 7 other Gunslingers – a big team battle fit for a king. That would be cruel and unusual, for reasons well beyond the meat sweats. We would hope that every beef eater int he Halo Nation likes Luke too much to subject him to such torture.
Yet, we Gunslingers got some beef coming our way. Ain’t nothin’ gonna change that, neither. We aim to collect, you see. Fortunately, a Gunslinger usually knows a thing or two about cattle. There is no need to involve a middle man in the form of the restaurant industry.
According to the National Cattleman’s Beef Association, the average amount of tasty meat produced by a cow has increased from about 400 pounds in the 1960s to 585 pounds in 2005. That means that each cow yields 9,360 glorious ounces of mouth-watering carniverousness.
When we multiply the Gunslingers’ estimated count of 21,000 medals by the 12 ounce unit for a Steak Dinner, we arrive at a grand total of 252,000 ounces of pepper-encrusted joy. Since it would be impossible to eat all that meat before it went bad, we would really just rather have the cattle. We are fine to carve them up as the mood strikes.
Dividing our total estimated allotment of beef by the product yielded by one animal, we can safely stake a claim on 27 head of cattle.
We will be waiting at the gates of the TTL Ranch.