Greetings Halo Fans! Finally, the story can be told. News from the front lines of the gaming industry this week has pointed to copies of the anxiously awaited Halo 3 leaked onto ebay.
In the wake of this announcement, Tied the Leader was not to be outdone. This act of piracy and unauthorized e-Commerce represented a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in rogue Internet Journalism. Thus, we pooled our collective lunch monies and we scored ourselves a copy!
Since then, we have been frantically storming through the campaign on Easy! That’s just how we roll. Now that we have emerged triumphant from the story mission, it is our pleasure to share with you all the pearls of narrative for which you just cannot wait.
Behold!
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN HALO 3!
10. The Master Chief and Sergeant Johnson ride “Brokeback” on a Mongoose – not that there is anything wrong with that.
9. Cortona upgrades her behavioral profile to “Vegan 2.0” in order to defeat the Gravemind in a triumphant battle royale.
8. The light that is emitted by the Ark only kills Nazis.
7. For only 200 Microsoft Points, gamers can download a skin that enables them to play as Chuck Norris.
6. The Arbiter survives the war, and settles down in the MidWest to become the industry-leading owner of Dodge dealerships in the region.
5. The Warthog achieves a turbo boost when its exhaust manifold is injected with Mt. Dew Gamer Fuel.
4. The Brute Chieftain climbs atop the Empire State Building for a final boss fight against a swarm of angry UNSC Hornets.
3. The Chief’s helmet comes off at the end, and he looks just like Bill Gates.
2. There is an intermission in which a kickline of Flood Warrior Forms perform the dance number from the video for Michael Jackson’s ‘THRILLER’.
1. Last line of the credits? “To Be Continued!”
You heard it here first!
Try to contain your jealousy. You will get your turn…
Ok… I really just have one question… Where in the heck did you get that insane picture? Thats the funniest thing I have seen in awhile! Good read!
lol, the tetris piece is my favorite in that picture!
Srry. That was f*cked up. But quite funny. So i guess i should buy my car from the Arby and not worry about any damn Nazis, then huh?
I love number 2. I can just visualize that kickline. Actually, that’s kind of a disturbing mental image…
You forgot the part about the Panda bears and pink ballons.
omg, thats funiii but did u know over one million people already ordered halo 3
Cuz this is THRILLEERRRR…
And with the new Chuck Norris skin, there are no melees only roundhouse kicks, which result in an insta-kill.
6. The Arbiter survives the war, and settles down in the MidWest to become the industry leading owner of Dodge dealerships in the region.
...........
I dribbled coffee down the front of my t shirt when I read that.
Where’s that stain remover:)
Now that`s Funny! Can`t wait to see that brokeback mounting! Ja!
Funny article! I loved the Bill Gates as master chief one! I wonder how much he’d have to pay for that. I’m sure even Bungie’s got their price.
The image is from the Official Xbox Magazine I beleive. The article it was from was funny too, it discussed how Halo 3 was going to have triple weilding among other perks.
Actually, the image was originally featured in the April 2006 issue of Game Informer magazine, on page 77, in their annual “Game Infarcer” parody. The article in Game Informer did mention ‘Triple Weilding,’ however, so I think you’ve just confused your sources a little.
Also, number 8 was the only one on the list that made me laugh.
You are a hard man, YellowBanshee!
I dont know what you guys have been doing, but ive been playing halo 3 for months and months. did I pirate a copy? no. am I a tester? no.
want to know my secret? sleeping. everynight when i lay my pretty little head down to rest, I grab my Sniper and Finish the Fight.
What have you been doing with your time?
you had me going until you got to #7 DeeJ. Because everyone knows that a chuck norris skin would cost WAY more then 200 pts. ;)
awesome article. i laughed through the whole thing.
Curious though does the seller’s location in Quebec, Canada has a secret meaning?
200 was a typo, he meant 200,000,000.
do the dodges come in the special banshee purple color? Does the Chuck Norris master chief have a beard? oh soo many questions!!
Haha, I still have that Game Informer with that pic on it!
I was always partial to the quaterback throwing a missle…
Drats! Ruined!