D0305 T1347 Y2007The Rules of Thumb

In any shared pastime, there are Rules of Thumb. These are pearls of conventional wisdom that outline forms of predictable and appropraite behavior. When you play Golf, you yell “FORE!”. When you shoot skeet, you yell “PULL!” If Blackjack is your bag, you know that you should double-down your bet when dealt an eleven [or maybe you just saw the movie ‘Swingers’]. Anyone who plays UNO knows what to call when they are down to the last card in their hand.

As the denizens who call Halo 2 on Xbox Live our home, we are the stewards of a whole new list of Rules of Thumb. It is our duty to catalogue them and keep them fresh. No one will do this for us. We must gather the nuances of society which we have cultivated together and pass them on to the n00bs who will arrive in our wake. The TTL Gunslingers lent their wit and rage to an anti-list this week. Here are some excerpts from what ended up being an epic scroll of how NOT to behave.

Enjoy. Perhaps you can add you own below…

In any Free-For-All King Of The Hill game, there must be one person with no accrued time and 27 sniper medals. -Chae Si

When you are hosting three guest players with an active microphone, you are required to show off for your friends by venting hostilities at a stranger immediately upon entering a pre-game lobby. –DeeJ

If you fail to score in the first round of an objective game, you have no option but to quit the game immediately. –Waynoka

If you fail to win the game, it is the fault of your teammates and not your own. –Lupes

You must realize that you will never be the best sniper in the room. If you are betrayed when you pick it up, it’s for the good of the team. –Stuicide

If the other team is making use of a power weapon, you must accuse them of being [insert power weapon here] whores. Of course, given the chance, you would never use the rockets, sniper, gauss hog, or noob combo. –Tortacular

Everyone is gay. Even you. –Lupes

When you come across any amount of network lag, it is a surefire sign the other team is cheating, even if you are winning. –orcishmiscreant

If you perceive that someone on your team has made a mistake, or may be of lesser skill, the best way to help them and your team is to insult their mother and point out their failures. -SavageScrapple

If you aren’t the host, your shotgun shoots invisible, harmless bunnies. –Alekat

Every little kid in matchmaking “knows” somebody at Bungie and can get you banned. -Sandman 350

If you do not get the perfect combination of map, players, and game type; be sure to quit. It is better to sit in a pregame lobby than to play an actual game. – SavageScrapple

If a team is holding a specific area of the map, accuse them of camping. Then, continue to run into said area repeatedly with inferior weapons. –Tortacular

It would be accurate to surmise that everyone has indeed, at one time, had sexual relations with your Mom. – Hoovaloov

When you have less than 8 players in your party for Big Team Slayer, your random teammates will consist of annoying guys who have a firm grasp on all the latest Timmy vernacular. -TTL Gunslinger

Tactical in-game communication is irrefutable evidence of a gamer’s homosexuality. –Locke

When losing by a dozen or more points, your only hope for dignity is to tease the other team for taking the game too seriously and then challenge them to a proper 1v1. –Stuicide

When playing Neutral Bomb, the objective is to get a quick arm, and then hold the bomb in a heavily gaurded location until time runs out. –Locke

If you happen to smoke marajuana, help your fellow gamers know who’s “down” by placing some drug vernacular in your gamertag. -420Lansdown420smoxganja

If you’re losing a game and have host, be sure to quit right as it ends to leave everyone who didn’t quit in blue screen for an extra minute or two. -Quantifier

When playing with a female, please make sure to take the time to tell her to “Go back to the kitchen where you belong”. It is an important reminder to women everywhere about their place in the world. -bs angel

Bluescreen is a great place to say all the things you wouldn’t dare saying when people can tell which gamer is speaking. -Chae Si

Shooting an unshielded opponent once in the head is the equivalent of ‘raping’ him. Make sure to announce this to the downed player as you have your way with their corpse. –Lupes

The second thing said in any pregame lobby MUST be: “Shut the F*** UP!” -Chae Si

No one has ever made a long-range stick with a Plasma Grenade. If you accomplish this, please spend the next 10 minutes describing the feat to your team. –American Nightmare

You should share your music with your team, because everyone knows that “My Humps” sounds SO much better through XBL. -Mudshovel

1 in 8 males between the ages of 12 and 40 knows the entire “my little pony” theme song. -cute lil pony

[bonus rule relative to above] Never allow your roommate to have access to your unsecured Xbox 360 – especially if you recently changed his gamertag to lil pink pony. -DeeJ

In SWAT games, there’s always time to call out enemy posi… -Alekat

If language style is any indication of anything… 93.2 percent of all Halo gamers are from the hardened streets of the Bronx… or maybe Brooklyn. (or more likely a wall-to-wall carpeted basement rumpus room in a “deer run creek” gated community) -Chae Si

Assists are nothing but stolen kills. -zeuz patter

Never, under any cicumstances, are you to compliment your opponents on anything [least of all, a Good Game]. They are your sworn enemies in life and death. -DeeJ

Posted by XerxdeeJ

New Rules 25

  1. #LINK D0305 T1627
    Stuicide wrote...

    One of the most entertaining reads. There are hundreds of these unwritten “rules” in Halo alone.

    I wonder what it looks like to the gamer that actually follows these rules.

  2. #LINK D0305 T1632
    Lupes wrote...

    Oh, having a less than (< ) thing breaks your comment. Anyway, I love it Deej.

  3. #LINK D0305 T1634
    TTL Wayn0ka wrote...

    yeah! The rules of XBL. If they weren’t true, I wouldn’t be crying right now…

  4. #LINK D0305 T1732
    L0coM0tive wrote...

    Awesome! That must’ve been fun trying to distill the Forum list down to that many. Good work DeeJ!

  5. #LINK D0305 T2057
    Spage wrote...

    So true…so sadly true….good job guys

    _

  6. #LINK D0306 T0341
    LegendaryMark wrote...

    Heh, good read, nice chuckle on a Wednesday morning!

    “Playing people of your own skill level is not fun, it introduces the unwelcome possibility of losing. Make sure to keep your rank as low as possible with a few hilarious suicide games every now and then. Your teammates will no doubt thank you for lowering their ranks, too!”

    “Since their voice is coming out of your Xbox communicator, any foreigners encountered are technically in your country and must be instructed to go home accordingly.”

    “The British were beaten by the Americans over 200 years ago and should be reminded of this, should you come across any. Bonus credit for making fun of their lack of dentists, Dick van Dyke accents and booming kangaroo population.”

  7. #LINK D0306 T1202
    Cozmo23 wrote...

    Awsome write up guys, all of those are so true.

  8. #LINK D0306 T1251
    gigrada wrote...

    “If you are a teenage boy, living in the suburbs, then it is important to show how tough you are by throwing racial slurs at a bunch of people whom you’ll never have to meet face to face.”

    “It is important to clarify that you are not gay by calling everyone else a fag. If you don’t call everyone else something really homophobic, then everyone will just assume that it is because you’re gay.”

    “When playing against a female opponent who is better than you, make sure to make the most depraved sexual reference you can come up with because then the other players will think that you are better than the girl despite the fact that she has more kills than you.”

  9. #LINK D0306 T1625
    Dweezle wrote...

    All of these are too funny. Nice ones Gigrada!

    Sad, yet true. Luckily the Gunslingers are above such a set of rules.

  10. #LINK D0306 T1640
    Enforcer6k wrote...

    Awesome, just awesome.

  11. #LINK D0306 T1756
    KillerRo8 wrote...

    “Remember, whenever someone uses the sword against you they are a sword whore, but when you use it, it is good strategy.”

    “Whenever a team makes a comeback victory against you, it is bs, but when your team does it, it is the greatest feat any Halo 2 player has ever accomplished and you must make sure that everyone you play with for the next two days knows about it.”

  12. #LINK D0306 T1854
    Not Sid wrote...

    Remember “I Will Fight You To The Ends Of The Earth’ is not a cool insult at all.

    At All.

    In Fact, the Person Who Screamed It After Being Shot Has No Life.

    It Is Also Incredibly Stupid To Shriek “No One Kill Him! Im Gunna Kill That Sunofa****” while waiting to respawn. And Then Spending The Rest Of The Game Shouting Obscenities While Chasing After One Player.

    You Know Who You Are.

    So Dont Be A B*tch.

  13. #LINK D0306 T2016
    The Thurmanator wrote...

    “Remember every game is about who gets the most kills. It doesn’t matter if a team just blanked you you should point out that you raped them and they should just look at the kills. Then you should challenge each one to a 1v1 and insult them when they don’t want to break up their party.”

    “It is your right, nay it is your DUTY to scream out every single medal you get as though you are the only person that has ever achieved said feat in the history of gaming.”

  14. #LINK D0306 T2210
    kilaMOMjaro wrote...

    Wow…Im in tears. best thing EVAR!

  15. #LINK D0306 T2332
    philsim7 wrote...

    Dude i love whoever came up with this.
    Heres one

    Whenever u are about to be teamed up start yelling for your teamates to help u no matter where they are or what they are doing, when u die and respawn start yelling at them for not having your back

  16. #LINK D0307 T0102
    philsim7 wrote...

    I meant to say teamed up on

    Also heres another

    Never think from someone elses perspective, what you think and do is always right and no matter what anyone elses ideas or plans are yours are infinatly better

  17. #LINK D0307 T0311
    Jennos wrote...

    Awwwww Love the Gunslingers and all they do to help us n00bs out in this crazy world of Halo! Awesome sweetness guys! Good Job!

  18. #LINK D0307 T0434
    Saint wrote...

    http://www.bungie.net/Stats/GameStats.aspx?gameID=630021507&player=Timpski#

    Frickin’ campers! ;]

  19. #LINK D0307 T1029
    XerxdeeJ wrote...

    That’s hilarious, Saint.

    We are guilty as charged.

    The TTL Gunslingers are a bunch of n00bs who can’t win unless they rely on the crutch of teamwork. They use their headsets for things like tactical chatter, instead of insulting downed opponents. Instead of fighting like men with a lone SMGs, they stoop to pick up pussy weapons like the Rockets, Sniper, Battle Rifle, Sword, and Shotgun. These assholes even have a whole squad devoted to nothing but piloting vehicles. I know! What a bunch of dorks. You should see them hurling grenades all over the place too. You would think that they were a bunch of zoo animals hurling their own poo.

  20. #LINK D0307 T1316
    Dweezle wrote...

    “If you win a game it is nothing short of raping the other team and owning them despite what either of those terms mean. If the other team wins then they either modded, standbyed, bridged, or your controller was broken. At least that is what you will tell the kids at school to sit at the cool table at lunch.”

  21. #LINK D0307 T1323
    wana bet wrote...

    If you have less than five kills in a team slayer game, and your team still wins, then you are encouraged to talk down upon the other team and call them noobs because you will always have a strong team to carry you to a higher level in matchmaking where as they are forced to use their own skill in the game. Silly nubs…Don’t they know that the cool thing is to be carried now-a-days?

  22. #LINK D0307 T1716
    TT L Burritoh wrote...

    Yeah! Great piece Deej!

  23. #LINK D0309 T0232
    Compton wrote...

    As always great writeup.

    -It is important in this day in age to be “down” with the lingo. That being said you should do your best to only use the following words when speaking on XBL. “N00b, Rape, Pwn, Garbage, Bad Kid.” Once people hear the gold that is effortlessly flowing from your lips they will be inspired to share in your amazing dialect. They will of course change it a bit and repeat it back to you. Feel free to keep bouncing these sentences off of each other. Make sure to increase the volume each time around. For example a great sentence would be: “Man I totally f’n raped that n00bin garbage bad kid.” Notice how the word “N00b” was verbed. Feel free to completely change the meaning of these make shift words. The only thing that is important is that they communicate bad connotation and disgust. You want the receiving party to not have a clue what you are talking about. In fact, if you master this new language you wont even know what you are saying. Everyone will love you, and they will all compliment you on how linguistic and intelligent you are.

    P.S. What they told you in science class about water being a conductor is a lie. Do you really think that freakin water and something that is basically fire can go together? You should prove those rapin noobikien garbonaged BK’s a lesson and film yourself dropping your plugged toaster into a tub of water with you standing in it. You will pwn those garbage nubs.

    Whew. I feel better. I am going to take a shower now. lol

  24. #LINK D0309 T1021
    Stuicide wrote...

    Don’t forget the Toaster Compton!

  25. #LINK D0719 T0044
    Chris wrote...

    In any given SWAT match, there should be at least one person with 5 beat down medals and one assassination.

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Robbie EdwardsOnly the Faithful Remain