Over the course of the past week, your fellow gamers [yourself included, no doubt] set new records for frequency in checking for new e-mail messages. This gamerblogger certainly rolled up his sleeves and trolled the neglected depths of a spam-ridden Inbox filled with more shit-smelling foulness that I can describe. Millions of anxious Cyber-Spartans sat breathless before workstations – dutifully deflecting inconsequential missives from real-life friends and unsolicited advertisements for products that would boost their sexual performance. We all awaited those ten coveted words:
YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE HALO3 BETA!
For the sad and vast majority, despite obsessive refreshes of mail clients every other minute [on the minute], those same words would never arrive. Of the 99 gamers on Tied the Leader’s active roster for Halo2, only 5 were scooped up as a fraction of Phase One. An overly dejected TTL Gunslinger was seen on our MidWorld forum making a comparison between “The Word of God” and Bungie’s announcement.
This bloggergamer must go on record that he does not personally relate to Bungie as any form of Deity; nor does he think that the Halo 3 Beta is Heaven [unless, of course, such a proclamation would earn me a seat]. However, with such rampant devotion among Halo fans, it would be fun to draw out these comparisons.
Disclaimer: The following is a work of gamer satire, and intended only for the sake of entertainment and amusement. If you are easily offended and prone to crusades, please forget that you ever saw this website ever [you are getting very sleepy] and seek out the support of your peers immediately.
Are they gone? Okay!
Let’s have some fun. Shall we?
For the faithful citizens of the Halo Nation, the selection of the first Flock of Beta Testers is very much like the Rapture. For the select few in the ranks of The Chosen, the pearly gates of the Halo 3 Beta test have swung wide. Bungie has selected the true believers that will ascend to a higher plane just prior to the last battle against ultimate evil. For the Saved, a promise has been granted that they will not be forsaken when the time comes to Finish the Fight. Those who have been left behind will be forced to wrestle with mortal demons such as Envy and Rage and Sloth. Anger will fester. Hate will brew. Civilizations will fall in flames.
Okay, maybe that last part was hyperbole – but we can [at least] look forward to a few flame wars on Internet forums.
For those not divine enough to be chosen as part of Phase One, gamers can still earn their Halo [get it?] through strict adherance to the Rule of Three. The name itself seems indicative of the Holy Trinity. If you think that I am referring to that black-latex-clad vixen who walks on walls while dual-wielding machine-guns, you have clearly missed a few days of Sunday School. Keep up, or I will rap your knuckles with a ruler! The Rule of Three will drive gamers to Xbox Live [that grand assembly of followers] to log three hours of gaming at a time designated by the Maker. This begs the question: Can you get into Heaven if you go to church often enough? Or do these empty deeds ring hollow in the ears of our Creator?
If all else fails [and despite what your local Pastor might tell you], it is possible to BUY your way into Heaven! That’s right, devoted Geeks… Purchasing your copy of Crackdown is like dropping ten percent of your worldly income into velvet coffers. You can Tithe at your local Best Buy or EB Games. Lay your sinful bounty on the Altar of Microsoft, and you shall be welcomed into the Kingdom of God with open arms. Grasp the holy hammer [Mjolnir] and get to killin!
If this all reads like the toxic rant of a jaded fanboy, I do cry pardon. I mean only to have a little fun with current events. Once upon a time, this Minister of Propaganda spit nails over his poor prospects for spending a sweaty wad of Christmas cash on an Xbox 360 launch-unit. Since the subsequent debut of the PlayStation 3, we have learned just how good we have it in the First United Church of Xbox Live.
J Allard [my Hiro] is welcome to official retractions for any and all public bellyaching. Say thankya.
What’s more, we should all be eternally grateful that a developer such as Bungie is willing to open the vault prior to the launch of their next title. The past two years of history have provided a mountain of evidence to the fact that they are quite able to build a Killer App without our help or input. Nevertheless, this game is being made for you, fair gamer; and your opinion counts for something.
Well, maybe not your opinion. But the opinion of someone like you will count for something. We can only put our faith in the hands of the testers now.
For those of us who are left behind, there is always the joy of a proper and pure launch-day for Halo3 – a Christmas morning unspoiled by a peek into the attic. It will only take us a matter of hours to catch up to those early-adopters who have already staked out the sweetest perch to camp on Valhalla with a Sniper Rifle. Fear not. Our day will come – without preconceived notions or dilluted awe.