Happy Holidays, Gamers! XerxdeeJ here with some news from the front of a war being waged by every Geek-in-the-Know to capture the most coveted item of this Christmas Season.
There can be no debate among the Constant Readers of this forum as to the hottest item on everyone’s yuletide wish list. Yet, with Christmas Morning approaching faster than a boosting Ghost, the new Xbox 360 Premium Systems are still harder to find than a Rocket Launcher on Lockout [map default, of course].
Tied the Leader has always endeavored to broker peace among a warring community of gamers. In that same spirit, a recent interview has targetted the champion of everyone’s Holiday Dreams Come True. That’s right: Friends, Clan-Mates, and Trash-Talking-No-Scopers alike; it is my profoundest pleasure to share with you some comments from Jolly Old Saint Nick himself on the recent breakdown in the harmony of supply and demand between the Microsoft Corporation and the ravenous Would-Be 360 Fanbase…
TTL: Thanks for joining us, Santa. With you weighing in on this crisis, we cannot be far from a solution.
Santa: Yeah. Hi. Let’s cut to the fucking chase, em, Zertseej.
TTL: Actually, my tag is pronounced “XerxdeeJ”.
Santa: Oh, Sweet Jesus! Here we go, already. You know, you gamers are all alike. “Me, me, me…” Son, you haven’t aged a day since you wrote me that spineless letter back in ‘83 about how your “life would just end” if I didn’t bring you a copy of Frogger.
TTL: Well, I suppose we can be a little overly passionate about our-
Santa: Uh, YEAH! Why don’t you just THRILL ME with your armchair Psycho-analysis bullshit? Now listen up, because I got a whole warehouse full of pissed-off Elves trying to figure out how in the Hell we are going to take the 500 Xbox 360s that little Billy Gates sent me, and turn them into the 1,256,876 units that I have been asked for in kids’ letters – not counting the naughty kids, of course. Even with less and less kids making the “Nice” cut each year, it’s crunch time around here and my moments of freedom are sparse until New Year’s.
TTL: So, we are not the only one’s being left out in the cold by the limited inventory of 360s?
Santa: Nothing get’s by you. Looks like you actually used that Speak & Spell I left under your tree in ‘79. Not many kids did, ya know. Anyway, yes, my whole operation just got totally shit-smeared by this inventory SNAFU. My mistake really – I should’a seen this coming. “Santa’s Workshop” used to be simple enough. A sled here, a decoder ring there. Before Geeks like you hit the map, the most elaborate request we used to get was for a hand-held transister radio. I never really saw myself having to get into the computer racket to make the good boys and girls happy.
TTL: So how have you kept up with strides in technological innovation?
Santa: You are not hearing me, Zeejdorx…
TTL: “Xerx-deeJ.” Please! If you would just sound it out-
Santa: You arrogant Asshole. Don’t forget who stenciled your REAL NAME on every bicycle, pencil box, and sports jersey you have been gifted with on every Christmas Morning for the last 30 years. My point is this: We HAVEN’T been keeping up with, uhhh… Shit. How did you put it?
TTL: “strides in technological innovation?”
Santa: Yeah. That. In order to maintain what Blitzen calls ‘workflow efficiencies’, we had to start outsourcing all of that high-tech nonsense to the manufacturers a long time ago. Even if we could replicate that level of craftsmanship, the licensing and unionization that it requires would ratfuck my whole enterprise.
TTL: So you mean to tell us that the North Pole has been relegated to acting as some sort of middle-man aggregator when it comes to gadgetry?
Santa: [removing spectacles and pinching the bridge of his nose] You know, I’m just going to go along with you on that one, assuming it means that I just deliver the junk that I order on behalf of the good kids.
TTL: Which would put you at the mercy of the marketplace alongside the rest of us.
Santa: And we are just as pissed off about this as you are. So do me a favor, you and all your overgrown playmates… Leave us out of this. Go harrass Best Buy or Walmart or whoever you people usually buy your stupid crap from. Ever since it looked like the supply lines on this 360 thing might be thin, I have gotten letters from even more panicked gamers asking for one. Now don’t get me wrong… It just tears me up inside when a good little boy asks me for an Xbox. But then there are those soulless pricks who conjour up a Son from out of thin air and write me a letter on behalf of a kid who does not even exist. I mean, do you people think I’m that stupid? I might not know how to turn silicon into microchips, but that “Sees you when you’re sleeping” jive is still in effect, ya know…
TTL: So, do you have a backup plan?
Santa: Like what? There is no backup plan for this sort of thing. I learned that lesson a long time ago when I tried to bait-and-switch all those hopeful little children who wanted Nintendos with some of the Coleco Visions that I still had laying around in Overstock. Gamers are a picky and ungrateful breed. You bastards are too smart for your own good, if anyone is asking me – but, then again, no one ever does.
TTL: There have been reports of some retail environments turning downright hostile under the rush for 360s. Are you preparing for such a backlash?
Santa: You wouldn’t think that I would have to, buy yeah. You know, my position used to carry with it some respect – maybe even a touch of awe. Now, ever since every shopping mall in America started hiring the town drunk to impersonate me and pose for pictures with their kids, people get the idea that I’m just another loser that they can push around. The whole phenomenon hit a low point for me in Detroit one Christmas Eve when I stormed down the chimney, only to be confronted by some maniac who had staked out the fireplace with a MAC-10. I mean, there I am, big bag of toys slung over my shoulder, being told to produce a PlayStation by this lunatic wielding a sub-machine gun in his chapped, sweaty hands.
TTL: What did you do?
Santa: I gave up the goods, Man! I might have my standards, but I AIN’T taking a hot slug of lead in the old “bowl full of jelly” for them. Fucking shame, I tell ya. His kid was a real monster, too. Definitely ‘lump of coal’ material, if you know what I mean. The worst part about the whole mess was having to disappoint little Sean Sinitski in Menomonee, Wisconsin. He was a good kid – back then. Ever since, I pack a two-shot Derringer on a string around my neck, secured away and conceiled under my beard.
TTL: That is too bad. But if we can get back to the-
Santa: We can’t. Like I said, we have a lot to do around here. So have a Merry Christmas and all that; and good luck finding your 360, Xerxdouche… [hangs up]